Student death
Galway Gardai are not treating as suspicious the death of a 22 years old American student yesterday (Thursday) after a night out socialising. http://www.connacht-tribune.ie/news/index.htmlThe day was going better until it hit a sour note. My poor “Two Irelands” professor announced to the class the death of his collegue. We held a moment of silence, so silent that I could hear my hands quietly wrapping my headphones around my iPod…normally to listen to music on an iPod with this crowd requires a volume level above the halfway point, so loud that others can hear your music perfectly under normal noise levels. The class was subdued for the rest of the hour while the professor talked bravely, without his usual amount of “aahs” and “ummms” added in. I could see unshed tears in his eyes a some points. We went over our time, so by the time I made it to the chapel I assume choir was cancelled. I sat the in the little side chapel considering life when a girl came in crying. I don’t know what she was crying about, but I devoted my little candle to poor homesick students like myself and for this girl and whatever her tears meant.
After dinner (with parsnips and broccoli!!) LuLu and I went to the video store to rent a Chinese movie in our continued celebration of the Chinese New Year. We wanted to get “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” but decided against it due to some of the possible audience members who may not like any sort of violence, flying through the air and otherwise. We rented “Shower” for the group, and a second movie to be watched when most are either gone on the trip or in bed tomorrow night. Since I haven’t seen the second film (reading the back, it almost sounds like “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”ish), I feel it necessary to preview before general screening. I think we’ll try to get prior approval for “Tiger” before our next visit. Movies are expensive (2 movies for 8euro for 3 days), but the selection is AMAZING. They even have Firefly: the Series on DVD! Matt and I couldn't even find that at 3 Wal-Marts so we bought it online for Mom for Christmas. It’s a bit of a walk (to the video store, not to a Wal-Mart in the States), but a nice change of pace.
Lament of the lonely. 1/24/06
My loneliness was terrible tonight. I finally got to IM one of my roommates, only to be asked when the rent money was coming. It’s not due until Feb 15, but I said Mom would be in town on Friday or Saturday. I asked how her classes were going and she said she had to go. She’s been online ever since, like she’s avoiding me. Just a “fine” before the got to go, to acknowledge that I was trying to make conversation would’ve staved off my homesickness. Instead, I cried myself to sleep.
Sometimes, often late at night, I think that everyone back home has forgotten about me. Where are all those promises of e-mails, phone calls, postcards? I know how much it costs to send postcards, make phone calls. I know, I’ve been doing that. Come on, you can’t spend 5 minutes of your fortnight (fancy term for 2 weeks) just to say hi. Sometimes even a “hi” would make my day. I know how busy everyone’s lives are, but to know that I was in their thoughts, even for a few moments, would be nice to know. So many things remind me of people at home, like Ford cars which Grandpa drives. I saw a green
It’s at night when I feel this most acutely. I think of all the people who still remember me, and alas it is a very small number. Mom, Matt, Aunt Sharon, Alissa, and Grandpa are at the top of the list followed by Sarah (through facebook), Taffy, and Heidi –and Heidi only wrote me because it’s bill collection time. Where are the postcards from catering, the e-mails from family members? It makes me want to cry…how abandoned I feel! To stop writing would only hurt myself though…I must hold out hope against hope that someday someone other than those precious few will remember me. And miss me. And just send an e-mail with two little letters, like “hi”.
25/1/06
I feel down again today. It doesn’t help that I’m tired from little sleep last night, but also that I can’t find anyone to try and do something fun with. I want to be alone, which is probably why I’m trying to go and do stuff. I’m trying to keep in touch with the human race. Otherwise, this thing ---for lack of a better word could be called “depression”--- really will get the best of me.
I worry about when I come home. I’m supposed to be coming back to my job, but in the 5/6 months that I’m gone, how much everything will change. I fear being treated as stupid, new, like I don’t know anything. I’ll have to fit into a crew with three people I’ve never met. With Caroline graduating, Agnes to Liz Waters, and Orion quitting, it’ll be a totally new crew dynamic than I’m used to. I’m sure that I’ll like the “new” people (since they won’t be new to anyone but me when I get back, I can’t really call them that), but will they like me? Erin, the only student worker left, will be nice to me, but she’ll have superiority in time worked. I’ll be at the bottom of the ladder all over again. I’ll have to learn a whole lot of new names in RHC because so many of my coworkers have left. I’ll be behind.
And what about the house? I’ll be coming back when everyone else will be gone, since school will be over and Taffy, Heidi, and Heather will have graduated. Molly will go home to
I feel so selfish. I’m so worried about me. Why can’t I think about anything else, like curing cancer or even just finishing my homework? I wish we had a pet here, to cheer me up with cute pet faces and lots of hugs and kisses. Poor Mr. Bear is soaked in my tears and his face is solid. He cannot smile at me, or wait for me when I get home.
I’m going to read my book. It’s a novel written by an Irish author about a couple trying to adopt a baby from
The priest this morning asked me if my parents were coming to visit like Jessica’s and probably Laura’s. Too bad I had to tell him that no one’s coming to see me. Nobody can afford to, and I understand that perfectly. I can’t afford to stick around long after classes are done anyway because I’ll have run out of money by then and Alissa wants me home for graduation. How do you tell someone that it isn’t that I don’t want to go on the retreat, but that I can’t afford to? She was trying to sell me on how great this retreat is going to be this weekend, and in such a great historical place, and all I wanted to do was cry out “I can’t go!” She’s the same lady who told me that normal families required a mom, dad, and child. Hmmmmm…..sorry, I don’t know many of those families. My family includes Mom, Matt, our combined pets, Carmen, Grandpa, Gloria, aunts, uncles, first cousins, second cousins, and anyone else brave enough to join our sometimes rather odd family events. My extended family includes my friends, coworkers, roommates, and the people here at Ros Geal. Who wants a boring “traditional” family? Marie (the lady who runs Ros Geal) and I talked about this at length and she agrees with me. However we started to get into homosexuality and I had to bite my tongue. As a believer in legal equality for everyone, I must stay quiet because I know that idea doesn’t gel with the house here.
That’s it. True confessions from a homesick person. Any ideas on how to combat this “depression” thing would be greatly appreciated. Until then, my book awaits.
